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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do women have legs? 1
So they can get from the kitchen to the bedroom.

Why do Women have legs? 2
So they don't leave snail trails on the ground

Why do brides wear white?
So they match the white-ware in the kitchen

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
'Cos she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
Why should you? there's a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course.  He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by 90%
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:

Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then
God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? (My personal favorite)
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on
Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts
of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow."
I said "You're obviously not f--king listening."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the
same thing:    "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday  is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are

A nagging wife and a dripping tap
have much in common.
(2 thousand year old saying)

How do you stop your wife nagging you in the living room?
You shorten her chain from the kitchen.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares, what's she doing out of the kitchen?

There's two theories to arguing' with a woman. Neither one works.


How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.