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One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went fishing!


What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.


Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up!


The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


The missus asked if she pleased me in bed.
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up & go to sleep!"


Why is it whenever you see a slim blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film,
but when you see a big fat woman eating a banana you think of the discovery channel?


My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow & a black bird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks & fan shaped tails. A black bird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair & a massive butt.


Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk.
Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"


My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for
a pint of milk & never coming back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said, “Not bad, I've been using that
powdered stuff."


The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’

The girl said, ‘NO!’

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end


A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, 'I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But I can only grant one.'
The man thought for a while and finally said, 'I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see
all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, 'No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the pilars needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask.'

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, 'Well, there is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick.'

The genie considered for a few moments and said, 'So, do you want two lanes or four?'



Don't forget to mark your calendars.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.

So next Saturday at 1 PM, all non-muslim women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold
6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless our country


After the honeymoon

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother

. "Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"

But no sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying.

"But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.

He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words!

You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful?

What colourful 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter.

"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like:







A guy comes home from a fishing trip to find his wife standing nude in front of the mirror with a frown on her face

" What's up Honey "

" I look ugly, fat, old and horrible, whatsmore I feel terrible........ can you pay me a compliment to make me feel a little better ? "

" Well,  your eyesight's f#%king spot on "


New ATM Procedures
A local bank is very pleased to announce that they are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where their customers will be able withdraw cash withoutleaving their vehicle.
Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviours of those particular groupings.


1. Drive up to the ATM

2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away


1. Drive up to the ATM

2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down & end call on cell phone
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel, look at ATM for one minute and then press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two metres
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometres Release hand brake


Guide to womens personal colums

Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking...............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Educated....................Was ****ed to bits at University
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist.................................Bad hair and no dress sense
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Good Listener................................Autistic
New-Age.............................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned..........................No Blow Jobs or Anal
Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Social...........................................A twat like a torn pocket
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large lady.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker

1. Yes = No
2. No = Maybe
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = But you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good film on TV
18. How much do you love me? I did something today that you're really not going to like

1. Yes = Yes
2. No = No
3. Maybe = Maybe
4. I am hungry = I am hungry
5. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
6. I am tired = I am tired
7. Nice dress = Nice tits
8. I love you = Let's have sex
9. I am bored = Let's have sex
10. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
11. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
13. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
14. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
15. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
16. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
17. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person because I'd like to have sex with you.

The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some "gymnastics". Afterwards, they both fall asleep

When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening.

He jumps up in a panic wondering what he's going to say to his wife. He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in the grass. Then he finishes dressing and goes home.

When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening?

The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon.

His wife looked at him very carefully and when she saw the state of his shoes, she exclaimed: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"


Why fishing is better than sex:

18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines..

17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.

15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago

13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

12 - When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life. nt-size: small;"> 3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"


Choosing a wife?:


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

he second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that
she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She  asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for  our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something  shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded  that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to  a gas station.
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high  school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,'  I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she  took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a  person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,  please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the  mad cow?" "
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

A  woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her  husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near  perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light  for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she  wore yesterday
And that's when the fight started....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the  window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your  husband!'
And that's when the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you  want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A  Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and  said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like  to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....


An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank
and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On
his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish
customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the
robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head
without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has
seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the
robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head
also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down
at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

There is a few moments silence then one elderly
gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and

'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'


A couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'


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