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Woman jokes

Better have a few jokes and pics for the ladies here too, just to try and pacify them a little, lol

but it's actually quite hard to find any so check back in a few weeks and I might have found a few more.

As a last resort, just re-read the male jokes and replace the words 'wife' with 'husband', 'man' with 'woman', 'male' with 'female', etc etc - you get the idea, as we men can be just as bad as women, lol

 

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  • What does a women do with her arsehole first thing in the morning?????????????????????????????????????????????
  • She kicks him out of bed and sends him to work...........
-------------------------------------

 

1.           Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground 
A. Shoot him again.


2.          Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.

3.          Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men

4.         Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there & waits for the world revolve around him.
OR. Three - one to screw in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

5.        Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

6.        Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath & calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

7.        Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A.  Because not one will stop and ask directions.

8.        Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts

9.        Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

10.      Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A:  A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need while a man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.

11.       Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds

12.      Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

---------------------------------

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.* ( conditions apply ) 

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. 
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. 

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. 

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. 
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' 

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another 
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. 

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. 
You were close, but no free sex this time.' 

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' 

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all. 
My wife won twice last week!'

-------------------------------------

HE SAID, SHE SAID:

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ....... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

---------------------------------------------------

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you

give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"


(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated Husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as

well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need His wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),

he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It's 5:00AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

*****************************************

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bob feared his wife Carol wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Carol, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Carol, what's for dinner?'


At that, Carol spins around and finally responds with 'For Gods sake, Bob, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

 

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